Q: How do you move past regret?

By Rayan Abdulkadir

A:

I started being ashamed of who I was very young. Elementary school was the first time I realized there were parts of me that others didn’t like. My mom adored me and told me I was the best girl in the world, but when I started school, the whiplash was real.

My worry about cliquing up with the right friend group quickly led to an adolescence full of shame and anger. I hid myself away and put up walls no one could take down. I spent so much time isolating myself out of fear that if people saw who I really was, they wouldn’t like me at all.

It’s my biggest regret, spending years ashamed and sad—time I know I will never get back. I’m turning 20 next week, and I’ve been thinking about my life a lot, especially the parts I gave up to wallowing and self-pity. When I got to university, I decided I wasn’t going to let shame eat me whole anymore. My life was mine to live, and sitting in guilt about who I am or what I didn’t do was wasting time.

I felt like there was an imaginary clock ticking, and I was the only one who could see the minutes pass by. It was time to make a change. I was going to wear the clothes I wanted to wear and speak loudly. I was going to make jokes even if no one laughed and I was going to smile even when I didn’t want to. I wanted to reclaim who I used to be, because regret didn’t serve me anymore. I was angry at myself for a long time, for giving up so much because of fear, but regret was making me waste time I knew I didn’t have. The clock hands kept moving, and I was frozen. What helped me start to move past those feelings was the idea that I have control over my life now. Even if my past wasn’t what I idealized, I have complete control over my future.

It’s important that we forgive ourselves for the people we used to be, so we can become the people we want to be. We deserve to evolve and create lives for ourselves that are free from shame and regret. If your past is haunting you, it may be time to let it rest. Engage in the things you love, and create the life you want for yourself through reflection, forgiveness and self-compassion. Everyone has parts of themselves or things they want to hide away because of regret but we all also have the ability to move on from those parts—even you—and even if it feels like you never will be able to.