The Art of Setting Boundaries

By Rayan Abdulkadir

Q: How do I set boundaries and say no to the people I work with and at school?

A year ago, I had two jobs while in school: one at a retail pharmacy, with lines so long they would wrap around the store, slither and hiss like a snake, and another at a local library where senior citizens roped me into helping them set up an email account or go through their Google Photos. I spent hours clearing Grandma Gertrude's camera roll of all 19 cats she has. To make matters worse, I always managed to see things that I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to see. I was miserable, and even though I hated it, if someone asked me to swap shifts with them, I would say yes. If someone needed me to take over the register while they chatted, I would say yes. I would say yes even if that meant I would be suffering. I was convinced that I had something to prove.

The truth is that I didn’t.

I wasn't saying yes because I wanted to, or because I had the time or energy, but because I was worried about what other people would think of me. I spent so much time trying to impress the people around me. I gave up my personal sovereignty over my time and labor for others. I quickly realized that if I had said no more often, it would have allowed me to say yes to myself—yes to self-care, openness and connection.

The fear I had surrounding boundaries and setting them created a bubble of anger. I walked around with my eyebrows furrowed and my jaw so clenched it was impossible to talk. If I had kept it up, my jaw would be sharper than a knife. As soon as I started saying no, my bubble popped. I was less angry and more easygoing. I took back the control I had over my time. It took quite a while for me to get to that point, but I created a formula for saying NO that made it easier, especially in the workplace.

Before you answer, ask yourself, is this something I really want to do, or am I doing this out of fear and personal gain? 

Rayan’s formula for saying no:

Step #1: Start by finding something positive to say. 

Q: “Hey, can you finish filing my paperwork?” 

A: I would be glad to do that once I find some time; it would be great to get organized.

Step #2: Choose an answer that leads with integrity; tell the truth. 

Q: When do you plan on doing it? I need it done by tomorrow. 

A: It looks like I already have a list of things to do; I don't think I will be able to get to it today. If I drop what I'm doing now, I'll fall behind, and I would rather stay on track. 

Step #3: Stand your ground.

Q: It'll only take an hour; why won't you do it? 

A: It's important to me that I complete what I've already started. I can get to organizing the paperwork tomorrow, or I can help you find someone that might be able to help.

Step #4: Remind yourself that your time is YOURS; there are 1440 minutes in each day, and you get to dictate how to spend them.

It sounds easier than it actually is, but the first step to setting boundaries is realizing how important they are and then examining how they show up in your life.

You are capable and worthy of expressing your needs, taking time off, and focusing on yourself. There is only one you, and you should be taken care of, that means setting boundaries even when it feels impossible.