Special Edition Fall 2022: How to Cope as the Eldest Daughter
By Ilwad Salex
Oh, to be the eldest daughter. Oh, to be constantly handed responsibilities. To be the eldest daughter means that you are an adult when you aren’t. To be the eldest daughter means you are sometimes a second mother to your younger siblings when you shouldn’t have to be.
Oldest daughters are typically seen as role models, leaders and even bosses.
Family relationships for the oldest children are usually structured so that the oldest child is responsible for their younger siblings, but I would like to talk about the difference of responsibility that is given to the eldest daughters versus the eldest sons.
I asked three oldest brothers if they have ever felt that they were like second parents to the children younger than them. Two said no, while one said yes. I asked three oldest daughters the same question, and they all said yes.
What causes this difference? Across cultures, there are different expectations of men and women, and I think that affects what responsibilities are thrown at the oldest children. Women are typically given caregiver roles, like caring for the kids, or cooking food for the family. There is more pressure on them to be role models. Men have traditionally been given the “provider” role, which manifests in modern times as working for an income. They are able to escape the caregiver responsibilities more easily and are given more slack.
Believe it or not, this unrealistic difference in expectation manifests into something called “oldest daughter syndrome.” This can take the form of a particular attachment style, According to Evie Magazine, “eldest daughters are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation.” Eldest daughters are also, “more likely to want to seek approval from others, have more jealous and controlling personalities, have strong guilt complexes and have a strong fear of rejection.”
How do we as the first daughters learn to cope with having the world on our shoulders? The first (and probably most important) thing you can do for your mental health is to prioritize yourself and your own energy. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but maybe every once in a while you can dedicate time to stepping back from the older sister role and go spend an hour doing your favorite hobby. You can spend some time relaxing—whatever that looks like for you.
Life can get busy, but you always have the right to make time for yourself. I asked Samia Ahmed ‘25 (Nursing) what she does to relax whenever she feels a bit overwhelmed at home. “Sometimes, things can get a little chaotic when you have younger siblings,” she said, “Especially when you need quiet time to study and do homework. I like to go to a library or a cafe to get my quiet time in so that I can get my work done. Sometimes I wonder if I should just stay at home, but I have my priorities first.”
Gao Sheng ‘24 (Psychology) shared a similar experience. “I also feel the need to study at libraries, it helps ease my mind knowing I can go to a place dedicated to study time, and maintain my peace,” she said. “Being the oldest daughter of a large family isn’t easy, but I have learned to balance my wants with my family’s wants.”
The struggle of having to put your academia first was something I could relate to as well. When I transferred to St. Kate’s during my junior year, it was my first time living away from home. I had felt guilty for not being able to help as much as I did. However, as time passed, I realized that my guilt was more of a worry of what would happen while I’m gone.
To be an older sister means to be strong, a role model and a leader. However, it is okay to be more; you are allowed to be whatever you want without the heavy burden of family weighing you down.
