Ask Mandy: I’m afraid of outgrowing my partner… What do I do?
Autumn is the season of change. The most obvious example of this is the weather, with leaves turning from green to yellow and orange, and the temperature dropping considerably. However, the weather is not the only thing that heralds change; each year, there is a significant energy shift which prompts us to explore things that we have not before, or to question certain aspects of our lives that have us feeling unsure as we move into a new season:
“I currently have a boyfriend who has been working a full-time job for seven years. I am a transfer student who is 30 years old and I’m working towards my degree. I feel like I am experiencing a whole new side of myself, and am afraid of outgrowing my partner. What do you recommend?”
What a wonderful question! First of all, I want to applaud you for working towards getting your degree-- no matter where you are in life, going to college is a big decision; one that challenges your intellect, ethical standards, and mental capacity. It is common to find yourself in a period of rapid mental growth, and this can be hard on any relationship.
As I am not entirely qualified to answer this question — I’m not a couples counselor or a relationship guru by any means — I talked to Mike Peterson from the St. Kate’s Counseling Center to help me out.
Mike brought up many great points pertaining to this question, the first being the typical understanding of human development. Often, development is thought of as occurring only in childhood, but studies now show that people develop constantly over time from birth to death.
“In the context of a relationship, it is expected that people grow and develop, and it is not uncommon for them to grow in different ways and at different paces,” Mike says. “What is important in relationships is whether people are growing together or apart, and to what degree those people are comfortable with the inevitable changes.”
As I said earlier, attending college stretches the intellectual mind in such a way that a person goes through a period of rapid personal growth because they are constantly challenged to think in new and different ways.
“St. Kate's was formed with this in mind and continues in the important work of helping all of our students along this path,” Mike says. “As a wise mentor of mine would often say, 'our self is never here but is always on the way'. While this can be scary and confusing at times, ultimately it is for the good.”
Personal growth is something you should be proud of, and it is normal to feel like you are outgrowing your partner in this situation. The bottom line is, there is no easy answer to this Ask Mandy question. You must simply consider what your head and your heart want and need. Allow yourself time to think through your decision, and do what is best for you.
“Ultimately, the person who asked this question has to make the decision on how to proceed for themselves as hard as this might be,” says Mike.
Of course, relationships can be extremely complex, and each one is different, so it can be helped by talking with a counselor for a few sessions to work through the details, either on-campus at the St. Kate’s Counseling Center, or off-campus.
