Ask Addy: “How do I learn to say “no” and prioritize myself?”
Ever feel bogged down by demands? Drained because you have no time to relax and take care of number one? Well, you’re not alone. This week’s Ask Addy question is:
How do I learn to say “no” and prioritize myself?
Good question. At an institution like St. Kate’s, founded on values of selflessness and love of dear neighbor, it can be hard to separate the needs of others from your own. Additionally, the patriarchy conditions women to conform to narratives of self-sacrifice and submission. Trans and non-binary people are constantly forced to put the needs of others above their own, sometimes erasing their identities to placate those uncomfortable with their lived experiences. So, how does one reverse this process? Is it possible that self-care could be a subversive act?
Amanda Williams, St. Kate’s senior.
To find some answers, I called up Amanda Williams, a senior Economics major at St. Kate’s working as a data intern with the Minnesota DFL. Amanda is also a senior Resident Advisor (RA) this year, which means that she plays a supervisory role within the department of Residence Life. I admire Amanda because I’ve seen her take on big responsibilities while also caring for herself and lending dignity to those around her. Because of this stellar combo, I thought she would be perfect to interview on the first installment of Ask Addy.
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Have you ever been overwhelmed by over-committing?
Yes. Absolutely. For example, last semester I was actually pretty overwhelmed with commitments. I was lucky enough that I was able to spend the summer interning away from St. Kate’s campus, which gave me time to look into what I actually value and what I had committed to just because I said “yes.” I think that sometimes I was saying yes to doing something for someone or something without actually consulting with myself. It doesn’t mean that I couldn’t do any given thing, I just may not have been able to do it in conjunction with all of the other things I was doing.
What strategies do you use to say “no” and prioritize yourself?
This year was the first time that I actually took the time to write out distinctly what I needed to do in a week. And this included self-care, which I use as a blanket term to also encompass little tasks like showering, brushing my teeth, and even putting on deodorant. Sometimes I feel like we visualize self-care as this elaborate thing which requires a cucumber over each eye, our hair wrapped up in a white towel, with steam rolling over our faces – but self-care can also be in the simple acts like eating dinner or doing your homework. Daily things count as self-care as well. So, I wrote out everything – including family, homework, work, my faith practice, and school. I realized that I was actually 13 hours over in weekly commitments and I assessed the things that I needed to do and the things I did not absolutely need to do. Looking at my commitments, I actually took advice from a friend and decided to prioritize the things that made me the happiest and cut out the things that did not bring me joy. This can be really hard to do sometimes – going to someone and saying, “this commitment I made to you, I won’t be able to fulfill it because it’s not the thing I prioritize most.” I have tried to move away from using the word “busy,” because I think that many people have full schedules at this time in their lives – but that’s not what it’s really about. It’s about describing what you prioritize most.
Do you think that self-care can be a subversive act?
I do. I think that growing up, I saw my great-grandmother, my grandmother, and my mom as people that were caring to the point of exhaustion. Initially, coming into college, I think that’s what I thought I had to do to be a strong woman. I looked up to them like – wow – you always put yourself last. However, I also saw the stress that put on their mental health and their bodies and I saw that it wasn’t always the most joyful experience for them. In my partnered relationship, with my boyfriend, we check in with each other about self-care. I’m working on realizing that it’s okay for my male partner to care for me in nurturing ways - that sometimes my health is going to come first, and that I don’t have to give that up to make my relationship work. Also, in my role as an RA, which I’ve been in for three years, I’ve realized that sometimes I have to be an RA to myself! Checking in with myself can help me to be a more complete resource for others.
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Amanda brings up important points about how the essentials of self-prioritization can help to underly real and meaningful success. Sometimes it takes concrete strategies like sitting down to distribute the hours in your week amongst your commitments while blocking off time for daily care practices. It also helps to get the people in your life on board with your self-care by checking in with them and describing your priorities. Finally, don’t beat yourself up if your self-care isn’t a $10 face mask and a bottle of Moscato. Sometimes self-prioritization is in the small acts, like taking a deep breath or even – reading Ask Addy!
