Ask Addy: How can you tell if your crush is attracted to you?

This week’s Ask Addy comes at the tail end of cuffing season, and while we’re still recovering from the nonsense of Valentine’s Day. It is:

How can you tell if your crush is also attracted to you? I like someone, but I want to know if they might feel the same way before I make any moves!

I will start by saying: it’s rough out there. Someone can be totally into you but give no indication, or they can be super flirty but uninterested.

In a society defined by new forms of intimacy, the long overdue recognition of a range of sexual experiences, and re-considerations of monogamy, ambiguities between platonic and romantic relationships can be even more difficult to navigate.* This can be especially true for LGBTQ+ and non-monogamous people.

This question gets at the murkiness surrounding the beginning of romantic relationships, but the same insecurities can be felt at the beginning of platonic friendships as well. It is hard to know what someone thinks of you without being inside their head. Experiences at the beginning of relationships are diverse and exciting, representing important new junctures in someone’s life. However, crushes and nascent relationships nearly always involve some kind of uncertainty.

I chose to interview Erin Nelsen (International Relations, Women in International Development, ’20) for this question, because she is in a romantic relationship that began with lots of ambiguity.

Erin met her girlfriend Mikaela while they were both studying abroad in Morocco. Much of the uncertainty at the beginning of their relationship had to do with the fact that it was dangerous to be openly queer.

Erin and Mikaela were quick to become friends. They got to know each other on lots of adventures exploring Morocco with a group of other students. They really clicked and would often end up sitting next to one another on long bus rides. Erin said that she could tell something more may be going on when their interaction became more exclusive. Even when out in a group, they always seemed to be paired.

On one of their adventures, Erin’s camera ended up breaking. Their friends had heard about a shop where she could get it fixed, so Erin and Mikaela decided to go together a few days later. This was their first solo excursion.

“We went to a café afterwards,” said Erin, and Mikaela made a comment saying, “this feels like a first date!” That is where things kind of started.

Mikaela and Erin began hanging out one-on-one frequently, although sometimes it was difficult to get time alone because their host parents had a “bedroom door stays open” policy when friends were over. This, and other cultural dynamics, were difficult to navigate in a same-sex relationship. It was not something they talked about publicly. It was also difficult because Erin wasn’t sure of Mikaela’s sexual orientation and both wanted to respect each other’s boundaries.

“It is difficult being in another culture and not feeling like you can fully express who you are,” said Erin. “It was really nice to be able to go through it with someone.”

In the end, and this is where I get to answering the question, they had an honest conversation about their feelings for one another. This happened after more time spent together, and some crafty nuance. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), the only clear way to know whether or not your crush is into you is if they tell you. It can be hard and scary to make the first move, but if you pursue a friendship like Erin and Mikaela did, feelings will often come to the surface… no matter how ambiguous the circumstances. Often, it is well worth it.