Out of State, Out of Mind

Some thoughts from college students who base their lives in more than one state.

By Sarah Applin

On Dec. 9, I flew back to where I am from—Portland, Ore.—and have been here since. I planned to stay in Oregon for the entirety of winter break and J-term. I carefully planned out my time: a trip to Seattle, Wash., and Rockaway, Ore., with friends; how I was celebrating the holidays; what class I was going to take during J-term and more. However, I didn’t plan out all of the emotions and recurring thoughts that would arise once I left Minnesota and traveled back to the place where I grew up.

During my time here, I have received closure in regard to feelings about the past. I have newfound love and appreciation for the state itself and those who I know within it, but I also recognize the pain and loss that I have persevered through in all of my time while being here, then and now. The main, distinct feeling that I have had while being here is feeling as though I am living a totally separate life than the one I was just living at the beginning of December. At times, I feel more free than I ever have—free to love, sleep, rest—but at other times, I feel like I am worth nothing because of the self-worth that I shackle to capitalism since I am not going to school and don’t have an active, steady job. It’s an out-of-body experience at times—I am watching myself live this life where I have few necessary obligations, while I know that in the first week of February, I will probably have 10 meetings, classes, reunion dinners with friends and a job to do.

While being in Oregon, I feel like I am seeing the trees more green than I ever have before, the ocean more strong-willed and loud, the laughter more intense—but I still feel parts of me tied to a state across the country.

St. Paul, Minn.

Most people I know in Minnesota are from the state, though I have one very close friend who is also an out-of-state student, Sophie Gibson ‘25 (she/her, History). Gibson is from Chicago, Ill., and like me, moved to St. Paul to attend St. Kate’s. Over time, Gibson and I have connected over feeling so much love for each state that we are from, so I knew her thoughts on the matter would be gold.

Gibson went home for 10 days this past winter break. When asked how the experience was for her, she said, “It was overall really good to be back [in Chicago], but it’s always a little bit weird to be back just because I go back so infrequently. It’s always good, but it’s weird too. … It’s a mix of nostalgia and regret. But generally, I would say it’s a positive experience. But, by the end of it, I am usually somewhat ready to come back to Minnesota. Well, I mean all of my friends are here [in Minnesota] now and I have something of a life. By the end of my 10 days, I am excited to get back to my plants and stuff. However, after my initial excitement for Minnesota is over then I’m kind of just like, ‘When do I get to go home again?’ I begin to count down the days.”

Though I have more state lines between myself and where I’m from than Gibson, I still feel like I go back and forth, from place to place. Gibson had similar feelings. “I think that it’s kind of tiring. I don’t think it’s the case for every student from out-of-state, but it is for me. For me, it very much feels like I have two lives. One is very much the college student, internship girlboss, temporarily in Minnesota, versus when I am in Chicago, I feel like I am in a completely different life. I am removed from academics and kind of am, just doing me, and being super independent. … It’s very much two very separate worlds, things, entities.”

I often feel as though I need to decide on one place to live for the rest of my life so I can permanently settle down, but there are things that I adore about both states I live in. I admire the nature in Oregon and the huge restaurant scene in Minnesota. I also appreciate the activism and learning opportunities at our university.

Gibson, too, had aspects about each state she appreciated. “Some things that I enjoy about Minnesota is that I am a student here. I am in pursuit of my education. I have definitely come to appreciate a lot of stuff about the Twin Cities, even though I absolutely hated it at first,” Gibson said. “Now that I am removed from my initial homesickness, I know they’re pretty great cities! I appreciate a lot of restaurants and the nature in the spring is so gorgeous too. The nature within the city is phenomenal and is the one thing that they have in Chicago, like the waterfalls and the river. But of course, they’re no Chicago! I like everything about Chicago. Chicago is the best city in the world! Every time I go back, I feel like I need to live there as a fully formed adult. Being able to get around with public transportation, and stuff like that. There are still so many places that I haven’t been to in the city; it is a huge, all-encompassing city. I love it. I can’t wait to be back there.”

Finally, I asked Gibson what aids her in feeling more secure and settled in each place. In St. Paul, the permanence of her dorm helps her feel anchored. “I think having my belongings around me in St. Paul helps me feel really settled. Having a dorm that feels like a home to me is really nice and having it be mine for nine months or whatever and not having to constantly move is really nice. When I am home, I have to live in a suitcase and sleep on an air mattress, so having my own bed feels like a little apartment.”

While Gibson’s time in Chicago feels less permanent, she still has plenty that connects her to her past. “In Chicago, even though it is a temporary situation, where I am on my air mattress with my suitcase, I feel like getting to see my friends that I have had for a while—like multiple year-long friendships—getting to see them in person always helps me feel at home, and also the places around me like my parents’ house. The city, in general, is a place that I have known for years; it is home in a different sense. Versus here, the city is not home, my room is home. The room versus the whole city.”

In each place, I wonder if I will always miss the others that I am not in. If I will ever feel settled and at peace without thinking of states that are over a thousand miles apart and the people and coffee shops and restaurants and things in between. Nevertheless, when I am here and when I am in Minnesota, I tend to just take it day by day to cope with feeling like I am living two lives and to cope with missing those people and things in each place. I believe that the key to my success in each place has been this gratitude and appreciation for the way that I am living in that moment, and I make it enough.