Not in High School — The Wheel

Finding hope then, now, and later.

By Naomi Stewart

Small town Montana basketball games in the middle of January smell. The concession stand surrounded me with a plume of fragrance: oil, plastic, popcorn, and an acidic waft of teen sweat. That smell, pungent only to those not playing, was birthed in the battle of winning and losing: a battle of the world (parents and friends) seeing success or defeat. I watched my brother's emotions graph into highs or lows with a foul, a bad call, a missed free throw, a loss in time playing, or the disappointment of not starting. It seemed so trivial, yet, I remember it.

I remember playing sports of my own and feeling as if my world would crumble if things didn't turn out my way. The simple game of an orange and black striped ball falling through a white checkered net, is his life right now. It’s important to his team, to my brother. He’s learning to fight through struggle to lead his team. While his emotions still sway with the turning of the ball, he is slowly noticing that there is life beyond the game too. As I looked around and saw Montana farmers with cowboys hats walking with manure in the grooves of their shoes, I smiled, smelled, and remembered. It was only last year that I too faced highschool mountains which I felt would eternally shape my world. My obstacles, not the same as his, and not the same as everyone else's, were daunting.

Now I’m here, looking back on hills that once seemed mountainous, thinking that maybe, what is large now, might someday be small.

Sweat and style held together by bobby pins.

Now, another semester at St Kate’s has begun. Students walk the halls to get to classes, finish assignments and receive good grades. When talking to students, some seem to think this semester has “been exciting since I only have two semesters left” (Angelique Morgan, ASL Interpreting, ‘22). Others comment that “it feels great to be working and learning again… There’s been a bit of stress but it's been overshadowed by excitement and hopefulness” (Sofia Osterlund, Fashion Design, 25’). Those I talked to appear to be chipper, perhaps I am too pessimistic. Or maybe I just go to class with all the optimists. Either way, at the start of this semester, I felt heavy.

I don’t want to waste my time here, and yet appointments and assignments seem to mount up wherever I go. I don't know if I can carry on. If anyone else feels this way, I hope you are able to read this and find solace in the fact that you are not alone. If that is not enough, try talking to a friend over a comforting beverage of choice, or have a confidential conversation with someone at the counseling center. For now, if the mountains don’t diminish, perhaps we could learn to find hope, even here.

In thinking about the basketball game I recently attended, it struck me. I’m not in high school. This might not seem like a big deal, until I think about all the hours (days, weeks, months) spent studying and sacrificing that have led me here. There is a purpose in our growth, in my growth, it just might take a year outside of high school to see. Wherever you are right now, I hope you take a moment to appreciate how far you’ve come and the mountains you’ve traversed to be here. We are all still on a journey; and while not knowing the destination can be daunting, courage and hope can be found in the fact that the large now, might someday be the small we stand on.